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If i lived life according to Vogue

If i lived life according to Vogue

I’ve had a vogue subscription since 2011, October 2011 to be precise. Ever since i sat in my cousins country home reading the September issue, feet up on the coffee table staring out of the big panoramic windows, overlooking the hills. I thought the feeling i had then, was the feeling you got if you read vogue. Suddenly if i read Vogue i would be someone with a weekend country home and a city wardrobe, someone who can wear sunglasses without getting foundation marks, and who goes everywhere in a black cab. Obviously i was wrong, and also 13 years old. When we got back to London the first thing i did was buy the October issue, i had pretty much decided i had a new lifestyle and signed up for a subscription. 

That was 6 years ago and i still have my subscription, except now when it thumps down on the matt at the beginning of the month, i don’t run to rip it open like i used to, sometimes i don’t even open it for a few days. As i’ve grown, i’ve realised a Vogue lifestyle is not a lifestyle anyone leads really. You could argue that the people who edit Vogue know that it’s not a lifestyle, that it’s an experience or something people read when they desire to have a life like the ones featured in Vogue, but it doesn’t stop me questioning practically every bit of “knowledge” or advice i read monthly.

So i decided to go through the pages of July Vogue, to see what i would be eating, wearing and how i would be living my life, if i lived it according to Vogue. 

If i lived life according to vogue lifestyle

Wearing:

On the face of things Vogue is a fashion magazine, so it’s only right we start here..and when i stay start i mean flick through 27 pages of ads before you even get to contents page. Yes they’re beautiful ads, thousands would’ve been spent on each and every one, but do i want to go through 27 pages worth? I don’t think anyone does. 

According to page 53 of July vogue my ankles will be dressed in July, no more naked ankles. Think ballet style wrap around ties up the leg, or apparently some sort of buckle. This advice leads me to believe people who put on their own shoes won’t be able to adopt this trend, when you’re on the way to the shop to pick up your ankle wrapped silk flats, you might as well pick up a lady’s maid too. You may also fail to fit into this trend if you have human ankles, because according to vogue they suit the “sparrow-sized” best. 

Now my feet are covered (well ankles..) what would my body be covered in this month? According to page 58, if i’m going on an evening out “jeans and a nice top” is acceptable again. But wait.. did jeans and a top go out of fashion?? Was i wrong in thinking the “jeans and a nice top” combo was the international uniform of girl? Apparently so, but i’m glad they’re in again now phew, thanks Vogue. 

Vogue spy page 75 tells me that jumbo trousers are raising their head. That’s all well and good for the people photographed, head down walking into a fashion filled extravaganza, but to me jumbo trousers fill my head with one thing.. puddles

Shopping:

So now i’ve ripped through July Vogue as soon as it came through the door, and i know what i need to add to my cart to keep up with the trends, where would i go to find these of the minute pieces? Luckily page 57 gives me an insight into Vogue’s address book, a list of shops and websites to keep on record to pull together a capsule wardrobe. Jokes aside, i have always wanted a “capsule wardrobe” so i head to the site labelled as “thrifty e-shop”, only to find the first non sale item on the site is an £85 ribbed sweater … thrifty ..

If something is described as cult obviously i had to investigate, so i made my way over to Golden Goose on Matchesfashion.com. In July i would be (or probably should already be) wearing pre-scuffed trainers. Pre-scuffed. You heard me, and they’ll set you back £290. In July i just might start a business selling my old £40 trainers for £290, genius. 

Eating:

Now that i’ve got my outfit in check and i’ve established the kings road shopping locations that’ll become my stomping ground, i’ve got to eat right? Luckily, pages 62 and 63 are Vogue’s view on where to eat and drink this summer. 

Thought plants were for the garden? Oh no. July’s Vogue has decided they go in cocktails, botanical cocktails. Am i the only one who didn’t know cocktail trends were a thing? In July i should take a trip to Notting Hill’s “Farmacy” which i knew was fancy, but i didn’t think was quite Vogue worthy, maybe it’s cooler than i thought. But then again something that is “in” one month might be social suicide the next, i’m safe for July anyway. 

In July i would also be anticipating the opening on Dean & Deluca, Vogue didn’t actually write what Dean & Deluca is, because that would be too obvious. Obviously. But i take it that it’s some sort of supermarket, a fancy supermarket of course, otherwise they would be telling me to anticipate the opening of my local Tesco.

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If i lived life according to vogue lifestyle

I feel like i need to do a little bit of a disclaimer, incase anyone actually thinks i’m spending my July drinking botanical cocktails and shopping for things to wrap around my ankles. That would be nice but no, i’m not. There’s a lot of talk about “instagram lifestyles” and how unrealistic they are lately, but i feel like fashion magazines have been guilty of that for years. So the next time you pick up a mag, and feel you’re slightly inadequate because you can’t quite fit jumbo trousers into your lifestyle, don’t worry, the majority of us can’t. 

The first part of the following sentence might make me sound like a grandad but bare with me – I actually prefer to read magazines centred around a hobby or topic now. (Don’t panic I’m not an avid gardener or stamp collector but if i was that would be fine too) It’s the reason i have a subscription to magazines like Blogosphere, so i can read a magazine that is actually relevant to me and also why i look to blogs for fashion inspo, after all they’re far more likely to tell me about my dream bargain Primark bag than Vogue would ever be. 

Secondary disclaimer coming now too, if you do choose to live your life by the Vogue bible then good for you, there’s nothing wrong with taking what they write seriously – there’s a reason it’s one of the most legendary magazines around. It’s just not for me anymore. 

– Maria x

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